I grieved the biggest loss of my life in 2016. It was the loss of my family. Last year I announced my split from Sol's Dad. My best friend and lover of 8 years and the father to our soulmate, Soleil. I watched things slowly start to change towards the end of my pregnancy. It would take me two more years to finally tell myself that the type of relationship I found myself in, was not in the least bit empowering, that it was not the right kind of love. On Instagram, I opened up about my heartbreak and my situation moving into the realm of single motherhood. I was honest to my followers but I made sure to not talk badly about Sol's dad and to keep the focus on me.
I never would have guessed what was about to happen next...
All of a sudden, emails, dm's and texts began flooding in from women who had found themselves in similar situations. These women thanked me for my honesty and they told me I give them strength. The support we have all given back to eachother this year is astonishing. I am honored to have this support and love from women all over the world, and I send it all back to every single one of you. I wanted to take a few minutes to write about how I dealt through my loss and resurrection of 2016.
HOW I DEALT WITH MY LOSS AND HOW I RESURRECTED IN THE END
I left on Mothers' Day. And every day after, I cried. I found myself crying every day. I live in the land of precious young families, all who are my dear friends, and all of a sudden, I didn't have a family. I would soon learn from the help of other women who had left too, that my idea of "family" would evolve into a different version. I am pretty sure I was depressed. I mean, I had never been depressed before, but I am pretty sure thats what I had become. I found comfort in smoking weed when Sol wasn't around to numb my feelings. To numb my reality. I stayed in my pj's alot. I cried when she wasn't around. I grieved. I grieved my loss. The loss of my family. The death of my family. I grieved and I grieved. I kept it all from Sol. The grieving part. Some of your emails to me talked about how you cry in the bathroom when your kids aren't looking. Yep. I know. Me too.
I didn't want the other parents to see me cry. All the other parents were married, live in beautiful adult homes, and are having their second babies. I was now amongst them as an outsider. Of course they would never make me feel that way, they are all my dearest friends, but, I couldn't help but feel that way. All of a sudden, I was not like them. I had my own tiny ass house, I slept alone, I did everything alone, I parented alone, every event or party I showed up alone. I don't get to make another baby like Sol so that she has a brother or sister to share her life with. It's starting to get hard for me to write this... I need to go blow my nose and wipe away a few tears.
These days, I'm feelin SO MUCH BETTER. And I have even fallen in love with a wonderful man who treats me like a Queen. What I would like to say to those who are reading this because they are going through this too, is that:
The only way to live life for a while is day by day
Just get through today. And then get through tomorrow. And then get through next week. And little by little, you find yourself getting through those days better and better. You have to grieve your loss. If you push it away and hide it, it will come back tenfold. It will haunt you. It will ruin your next relationship. Deal with it. Fucking cry. Cry and cry. Soon, the tears will dry up. Something in your life just died. It's necessary to grieve. I remember calling my mom one day towards the end of October of last year and telling her that I was finally ready to stop being sad. That I was ready to focus on becoming the best version of myself. That if I could do that, then my career would be back on track and I could be living my dreams finally. Of course, its so much easier said than done. The next step after I took time to face my sadness, was:
Indulge in some major self care
I got my hair cut, I dyed my hair pink, I got a new skincare routine, I bought new decor for my new home and hired a feng shui consultant to come move energy for a fresh new life. I got rid of everything I had in my house from my past relationship. I bought new plants and I painted the walls. I got my brows waxed, I started putting on face masks again, I went to bars I hadn't been to since I was in my 20's. I went out with my girlfriends and danced my heart out. I exercised ALOT. Exercising is a great stress reliever, and you feel so good afterward.
Cherish your alone time
The greatest thing that I personally got out of my breakup was that I had ALONE TIME. In the beginning it's absolutely devastating being away from your children for the first time in their lives. I understand that, I had a hard time with this in the beginning. But, because you can't change it, you have to get used to it sooner than later. And when you cross that point, you begin to cherish the nights that you are alone. Find a hobby or a new career path that sets your soul on fire, that makes your heart burst out of your chest. This is your time to reinvent yourself, and you can't do that without having time alone to soul search like crazy. These days I totally cherish my time while Sol is with her Dad. For the first time in years, I have time to myself. And it feels incredible. You will get there, I promise.
This year, you will find me pouring my heart into my career as Mothersun, because this year, I have nothing holding me down. I took a break to give birth to my Soulmate Soleil and now I am back to rise again. If you are going through this with me, remember,
We are Phoenixes Rising up through the Ashes. We are magnificent unstoppable beings. We are Warriors. We are Goddesses. And when we are ready to love again, the only men we will attract are men like Ryan Gosling who give their partners all the credit they deserve (did you hear his Golden Globes speech last year? I meeeeeean, googoogaagaa). The little Boomerang video below reminds me that I am right where I am supposed to be. With my soulmate in my arms and I am so thankful for her dad for helping me create this magnificent being. All is right in my world.
For my help with how to Rise up through the Ashes, you must read my Manifestation, Mindset and Feng Shui Magic Course. Sign up here for it and I will send it directly to your inbox for Free. You are not alone in this process!!!